


OCiDiD April Fools' Alternate Ending

by Miyamashi (MorganEAshton)



Series: Alpha Kids: Unite [3]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate fic ending, Doomed Timeline, This was a really elaborate prank in hindsight, Yet also an actual original chapter, gag chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-03
Updated: 2013-04-03
Packaged: 2017-12-07 09:29:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/746949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganEAshton/pseuds/Miyamashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The final stand.</p><p>(Posted as an April Fools' joke, in place of the real ending to "Oh Confound it, Dating is Discombobulating".)</p>
            </blockquote>





	OCiDiD April Fools' Alternate Ending

**Author's Note:**

> This fake ending to ["Oh Confound it, Dating is Discombobulating"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/527607/chapters/934324) was written specifically for April Fools' day. I am so sorry, to all of you OCiDiD readers out there who live in countries who don't celebrate the holiday. I hope you found it amusing nonetheless, assuming you actually saw the original post.
> 
> Because I actually wrote out an original 3k word chapter specifically for the occasion, and because I actually do like parts of this, I decided to move it into its own entry for posterity. Enjoy! Hopefully the roughness of it won't be too offputting. I wrote it almost completely in one sitting, with very little proofreading, so yeah. I should probably go through this again. Not right now, though; I'm tired. XD

I would have missed the treasure on the ground, had I not been kicking at pebbles while I walked. It clattered a ways in front of us, a chain trailing behind it like a tail. The glint of the metal caught both mine and Roxy's eyes, and I jogged a few paces ahead and stooped to pick it up.

I turned it over in my hands, examining. It was an amulet made from some kind of precious stone of the same green hue as the mounds, the chain dangling from it cast in sparkling gold. There were carvings on the flat back in a language I couldn't read, and the smooth and rounded front was adorned with a beaked serpent. When Roxy caught up, I handed it to her so she could take a look at it as well.

"I'm not entirely sure what it is, but it looks like quite the find!" I told her. 

"Awwww, it's Jakey's first treasure in his new world." She ran a finger over the carvings. "Think it does something?"

"I sure hope so!"

She laughed and handed it back to me.

I tried a few different things to the stone. I rubbed it, attempted in vain to peer through it, dangled it like a pendulum, and tried and failed to read the inscription. Nothing seemed to be of much use. I shrugged. "Well, I suppose if it's a magical artifact of some sort, we'll find out eventually." I got an idea, then, and grinned widely. "Roxy, as a symbol of our ever-growing camaraderie, I think this shall be my gift to you. Every lovely lady enjoys jewelry, yes?"

Her eyes widened a bit. "Yer givin' me your treasure?"

"Well, sure. Why not?"

"Hmmm," she tapped her chin, "think it could give Janey and Dirky the wrong idea?"

"Oh, dear. I hadn't thought of that."

Roxy let out a sigh. "Oh well, pretty as the maybe-magic thingie is, it'll probably look better on you, anyway. Green ain't my color."

I shrugged and slipped it over my head. At the very least, I'd be less likely to lose it that way.

Dirk and Jane were both awake when we returned. Dirk had moved over to the girls' Rumpus Reader to be in closer proximity to Jane, and they were huddled together, chatting quietly. When they noticed us, they both quickly ceased their conversation, as if startled. Jane raised her hand modestly in greeting. 

Dirk's eyes went straight to the pendant hanging against my chest. "What's that?" He got up and came over to take a closer look.

He didn't seem to notice that he was infringing a bit on my personal bubble, moving his head close to look at a pendant that was at that point being held up by my face. I found myself blushing a bit. 

"Jane, come look at this."

She did, and it was suddenly doubly awkward to have two potential romantic partners both hovering around me, yet not paying attention to me in the slightest. "Huh, I think I've seen these carvings," Jane said.

Dirk asked where.

"When Jake and I went exploring earlier. This must be made by the same people who made the carvings out there. Do you think they're still around here somewhere?"

"It may be worth it to check it out."

Roxy was tittering from behind me as I leaned my head back, trying not to pay attention to Dirk's mouth as he licked his thumb to wet the amulet enough to wipe a bit of dirt from the carvings. I tried not to feel like they were conspiring against me somehow when Jane leaned her chest against the both of us for stability, so she could get on her toes to see better. 

I must've been very red by that point.

"Jake, is something wrong?" said Dirk, looking far too innocent to be sincerely Dirkish.

I made some kind of disgruntled noise at him, hoping he and Jane would get the picture. 

"What's that, bro?"

"If you're going to look at it, why don't you just take the damned thing off me?"

He shrugged and did just that.

"We should go look at those ruins again," Jane piped in, pushing off me and following Dirk.

I gave Roxy my best "What the fuck?" look. 

She laughed at me. "Adventure, Jakey! Come on!"

And without another word, we were off on a quest, Jane and Dirk in the lead, with Roxy lopsidedly hanging off their shoulders.

"It looks like some kind of religious relic," Dirk said, "and the stone it was made with is no accident." He took particular interest in the fact that it was marred somewhat with red speckles, and it wasn't until he pointed out that it was reminiscent of the way my Land was dotted with red ruins that this fact really seemed significant. He had Hal run some diagnostics as we walked, and determined that the stone was green jasper. "I don't know the meaning of the inscription, unfortunately."

I realized distantly that I had let myself once again become the outcast and moved to catch up with the others. I wasn't exactly sure where to stand, though, so kind of hovered around them.

Dirk didn't seem to appreciate my behavior, because he snaked out an arm, wrapped it roughly around my neck, and pulled me into his side. "Come here, you. Stop being weird."

"Easy for you to say! Aren't I the one who's supposed to be the adventurer here, leading expeditions in my own land?"

He let up on his hold a bit and smirked down at me. "Nobody's stopping you."

I slipped the rest of the way out of his hold and composed myself. "Right. To the ruins." I marched out in front of the group and took the lead.

I heard Roxy complain from behind me. "Dirky, you need to be shorter. My arm hurts." There was a short silence, then a squeak.

That was enough to get me to look over my shoulder, to see Dirk carrying Roxy bridal style. Dirk looked vaguely amused, and Roxy looked positively over the moon. Jane laughed lightly into one hand.

I shook my head and kept walking. 

After a while, I heard a bit of a cough behind me, of the type used for catching attention rather than that used to clear one's windpipe. "Jake, I hate to be a bother when this is your adventure, but we're going the wrong way." It was Jane. "You took a wrong turn back there, and I didn't want to say anything in case you'd decided to take a different route. If that's the plan, though, then it's a very, very scenic route. Unfortunately, this is a bit of a long walk already."

I don't think I'd ever facepalmed before that moment, but I did then, and reluctantly switched places with Jane.

Roxy let her head hang so she was looking at me upside-down. "Awww, Jakey." She tried to reach towards me, but the angle was wrong. "Shit, could you like, ruffle your own hair for me?"

I did not ruffle my own hair, because that was preposterous, and I told her such.

Dirk snorted. "Hold onto my neck, Rox." When she did, he reached over and mussed my hair himself before regaining his grip on his charge.

"Are you three getting up to mischief back there?" our leader reprimanded gently.

"Yes," said Dirk and Roxy together.

I did my best pouting youngster impersonation and hoped they felt some sort of remorse for me. I don't think it worked. "Roxy, I thought you were supposed to be my best friend now."

"I am, Jakey!"

"Whoa, whoa. What is this all about? Dude, did you just best friend dump me? Harsh, bro."

"It's alright, Dirk. Since Roxy just bffsy-dumped me, we can be best friends now."

"Okay, cool."

"You two already seemed to be plotting against me with that stunt with the pendant!"

Jane and Dirk both snickered.

"So it's true, then! You cads!"

"Jakey, it's okay! I have it now! Dirky handed it to me when he picked me up!" Roxy showed off the amulet. "And look! Now I can wear it like you wanted me to!" She put it on proudly.

"Damn, Jane. What the fuck? You haven't given me any ancient artifacts yet. You're lagging behind the dorky duo here."

"As soon as I find an ancient artifact with which to gift you, I shall be sure to do so."

"Good. I'm holding you up to that. We can't let them be better best friends than we are."

She laughed. "Friendship is a contest now?"

"Obviously."

I tried to stay mad. I really did. It was nigh impossible with my three best friends all shooting witty banter around, though. "Dirk, if Jane is your best friend now, why are you carrying _my_ bffsy?"

"I'm picking up your slack. You may have given her a gift, but I'm winning in gentleman points."

I grinned and rushed forwards, scooping Jane up in my arms. "Ha ha! Take that, Strider! Now Miss Crocker can guide us from a perch fit for a queen!"

Jane clung to me in shock, her eyes wide.

Dirk snorted. "Smooth. Jane, which way is it at the fork up here?"

She pointed.

Dirk looked at me from over his shades. "Race you." Then he took off running with Roxy in tow. 

"No, Jake, please don't..."

I dashed to catch up.

"Great fudge-busting...Jake, put me down!"

I laughed and held her more securely. "Dirk, you had better not flash-step, or I will consider it a loss due to cheating!"

He still won. Him and his dad-blasted mile-long legs.

We put the girls down when we reached what appeared to be a stone tablet leaned against one of the tiers of a particularly large mound. I noticed this one seemed to lack the steps and inclines in between levels that the others had, a fact which I'd glossed over the first time. Far above the hill was a strange spirograph pattern, hanging in midair. I'd seen a few of these around, but still wasn't quite sure what any of them did. Something in me felt like I should have understood. Didn't they make this game with a guide of some sort?

I thought back to when we had first come to this place. As Dirk had messed with the machinery, a strange glowing thing had appeared from one of the contraptions and quickly sped away into the distance. It'd had one of the spirographs on it, hadn't it? Perhaps they were related?

Regardless, we had arrived, and my friends were this time waiting for me to stop spacing out and lead my own adventure. I was grateful, if not a bit self-conscious. I went over and ran my hand over the inscriptions. They did look familiar, didn't they? And there was that same snake-like creature, this time surrounded by what appeared to be some kind of lizards. It was plain that if the serpent were real and if those lizards were of any significant size that the creature would have been massive. Its eagle-esque head looked just right for devouring some innocent reptiles, and possibly some innocent humanoids.

Dirk came up next to me and seemed to be trying to read the carvings. "Roxy, am I right to think that this word that keeps showing up was on the amulet?"

Roxy checked. "Yep! Sure is! Right in the middle!"

The three of us spent some time trying to make heads or tails of the clues, and after quite a while I realized that our prize sleuth had gone completely silent. "Jane...?"

She was staring up the hill, at a very strange man. He appeared to be a troll, his face painted in messy clown makeup and his body clad in a most peculiar outfit. 

The codpiece was more than a bit disturbing.

He waved. 

"Oh, no." Jane groaned. "Not him again."

"You know him?" asked Dirk.

"I wish I didn't. He came to my Land, too. He prototyped my kernelsprite with..."

"He whated your what?" I asked her, confused.

"The glowy thing from the cruxtruder."

"Eh?"

"Glowy round thing from a big machine."

"Oh! The green spirograph thingie!"

"...Yes. That."

Roxy interjected. "With what? Jake cut you off."

"I don't want to say."

The troll man was already giving me the willies. Jane seemed especially offput by him, and even Dirk and Roxy seemed on edge. I wasn't sure what it was about the gent (besides the codpiece) but something just wasn't right. He pulled out a pair of what appeared to be floating crystals and used them to teleport down the hill to our level.

Dirk at least had the presence of mind to pull out his sword.

The crystals seemed to be music boxes, because they were playing a sweet tinkling melody as the troll looked us over. "Hey, my brother. No need to all be gettin' up and motherfuckin' hostile. I'm here to all give you a bit of motherfuckin' guidance."

I wasn't sure I wanted his guidance.

"See, I'm all here to show you brothers and sisters a little motherfuckin' miracle."

And he said "motherfuckin'" way too much to be proper, even by my standards.

"See, I kinda all fucked up a bit, you hear? I let that little miracle sprite get away, and that wasn't all supposed to up and motherfuckin' happen."

"And what happens now that you did?" Jane asked nervously.

"Well, that means we gotta motherfuckin' cheat a bit. Clean up some motherfuckin' loose ends, all up and skip ahead a bit. I see you all up and found my little present." He gestured to the amulet. "You motherfuckers are all clever and shit, comin' right where you need to all up and be."

"What is this place?" Dirk demanded more than asked.

"See that shiny motherfucker all up in the sky? You ain't normally s'posed to up and get there 'til close to the end of the motherfuckin' game. But I can all help you out a bit."

"And why the fuck should we trust you?" Roxy squealed.

"'Cause you ain't got any motherfuckin' choice."

And with that, there was a flash, and we were transported to the top of the hill, and the troll man was gone.

"Goddamnit," I spat, taking a look around. There wasn't much choice in places to go. It would have been rather painful to try and scale the mound back down, as the tiers were fairly tall. The most logical direction seemed a staircase in the center. 

Dirk didn't put his sword away, and Roxy pulled out her rifle. Jane and I got the hint and pulled out our weapons as well, and with a silent agreement, all four of us began our descent into the mound. The staircase seemed to go forever, and we held the journey in relative silence, not wanting to disturb anything that might have possibly resided there. Just when I thought it couldn't go on any further, we reached a door. With no choice but to go in, we opened it together and entered a gigantic chamber.

The serpent was real.

It was also about 10 stories tall, and seemed like we'd just woken it up from a nap.

It didn't look happy.

"I think this'd be a good time to turn tail and run, don't you?" Roxy hissed.

The door shut behind us.

"Page of Hope," came a voice that seemed to shake the entire world. "Why are you here? It is not your time."

"Uhm..." I said helpfully. 

The giant birdlike head of the creature moved down to our level and stared us down. "I am Abraxas." The "s" sounds came out as a hiss. "And you will pay for waking me from my slumber."

Dirk stepped out in front of us. "We were brought here. We mean no harm." To prove it, he put away his sword. "All you have to do is let us go, and we will leave you to sleep in peace."

Then Dirk was gone, into the massive beak.

I don't remember much after that, except for Jane's and Roxy's screams and the sight of the beast's maw closing in.

I've lost track of the time by now, but being dead isn't such an imposition, all things considered. I've been searching for my friends for ages now, with little luck. I've come across a lot of lovely fellow ghosts in my travels, however, and I think I've caught onto word about a rather clever sleuth who's been on the trail of three people who sound suspiciously like Dirk, Roxy, and Myself. 

If nothing else, once I find them we'll have all of eternity to figure out what to do about all of this romance nonsense. Until then, dying is an awfully big adventure in itself.

**Author's Note:**

> The joke behind this was that, because I messed up the canon-compliance on OCiDiD, the only way to resolve that would be to consider it a doomed timeline. I also conveniently forgot to mention the kernelsprite all the way through OCiDiD, so that gave me a perfect opportunity to have Gamzee fuck up the timeline. Convenience! (Shhhhh, the kernelsprite still ran away in OCiDiD. We do not speak of the kernelsprite. >_>)
> 
> The amulet was an Abrasax/Abraxas stone, which is a real thing. I was reading about Abraxas and found a thing about the stones that mentioned one of them as being made of green jasper with red speckles, and it was just so perfect, and made for a great plot device. :D 
> 
> If you haven't seen this, take a look at [this pic](http://niqnaq.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/v01p130001.jpg) of a couple stones with different versions of Abraxas on them. The one on the right is probably where Hussie got Abraxas' design. Neat! :D It's not really related to the story, but I thought it was really cool nonetheless.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed, even if it is a really depressing ending. XD


End file.
